Excerpts
Pages from un-produced scrips and screenplays
Throughout my years of experience working in “the biz” (short for “showbiz” which is short for “show business”), I have written over one hundred screenplays. While none of them have made it to the final stage of development (becoming a Happy Meal), I find that it is good practice to write every day in hopes that, maybe one day, my computer will explode and I will be killed instantly. Here are some excerpts from some of my most printed-out screenplays along with the reason(s) they were ultimately rejected. If you want to learn how too right good and also how to play “The Game” (also short for “show business”), then please look to these examples and learn!
Silver Surfer
Comic books are the halfway point between book and movie and they are “super” in right now. I’ve never read a comic book, but I have been to both the beach and to outer space, so it makes sense that I should be the one to write the Silver Surfer movie. Here is a page from my screenplay. It was ultimately rejected for being unfilmable.
The Joker
One thing people forget about superhero movies is that there are also super bad guys. I don’t think they’ve ever made a movie about The Joker so I tried my hand (I typed this on my phone with one hand) at writing one. This one was rejected because I forgot to put a stamp on the the envelope when I mailed it to Hollywood.
Birds V. Gorillas
Instead of debasing somebody else’s IP, I tried debasing some of my own! Here is a page from a screenplay for a sprawling war epic about the unseen war between birds and gorillas that people don’t even know about. It’s kind of like Toy Story except with more gorillas. This one was rejected because I insisted on using real gorillas and birds but they would play each other. Subversive!
Jim Henson: A Muppety Life
One type of movie people love is a biopic and another type of movie people seem to like is Muppet. I tried combining these two genres in a screenplay and here is a page from it. This one was rejected because I couldn’t secure the rights to Gonzo. Everyone else’s rights were no problem but apparently the Gonzo rights are, like, off the fucking charts. Oh well!
Collins
Here is a page from less muppety biopic I wrote about astronaut Michael Collins, the “third guy” who had to wait in the spaceship while Buzz Aldrin and Neil Armstrong went to the moon and took pictures and hogged all the glory. As a screenwriter, I always try to find a unique point of view for a story. Everyone knows about the guys who went to the moon but, to me, the interesting part of the story is the guy who just sat and waited. This was rejected because I wanted to play all three guys The Klumps-style or it was NO DEAL.
Big Dreams, Small Spaces with Monty Don
“TV is the new movies.” - Netflix.
If you are you are trying to get into the television-writing game, you can try writing what we professionals call a “spec script” for one of your favorite shows. Here are a few pages from my script for an episode of the British gardening/home renovation show “Big Dreams, Small Spaces with Monty Don.” Please remember to read it Britishly. This spec script was passed on by the studio because apparently – and I shit you not – this show is “unscripted.” Can you believe that?
The Daniel Spenser Story
Last and definitely least, I decided to tell my own story! They say “write what you know” and, buddy? This is no exception. The Daniel Spenser Story tells the story of Daniel Spenser, a humble man who likes making things in a world where wanting to make things is stupid and a waste of time. This excerpt is from a scene in the middle of the movie wherein he (me) is reduced to making photoshop tutorial videos in a dystopian future. This script was rejected for being too real and, probably, too significant of an achievement.
Well, there you have it/them. If you enjoyed these excerpts and would like to read the full screenplays then, buddy, I don’t know what to tell you. Happy writing and always remember to save your files!