Onion Headlines

I used to submit headlines to The Onion and a few were published and hundreds were not. Here are some of the ones that were not.

Cadbury Debuts Chocolate Creme Shank Bone for Passover

Concept of Pop Culture Completely Lost on Dog Named Han Yolo

Documentary Posits Wild West Cowboys May Have Been More Rooting and Tooting Than Once Thought

Op-Ed: “Remember Fatboy Slim? I Do” By Fatboy Slim

Bored, Aimless God Makes Another Kind of Owl

History Textbook Has Photo of Gerald Ford on Cover

High Speed Train Planned Between Tulsa, Literally Anywhere Else

Chess Prodigy Apparently Also Smug Little Shit Prodigy

Gogurt Brand Unveils Staygurt (Photo of regular yogurt)

Op-Ed: “Wait, Am I Alden Ehrenreich or Armie Hammer?” By Ansel Elgort

Area Man Saves Shoebox In Case of Diorama Emergency

Nation’s Dermatologists Unveil New Line of Creams, Goos

Movie Looking Like It Going To End Ambiguously

Magician The Kind That Wears Mask

Climate Scientists Discover Global Thermostat in Wisconsin Man’s Apartment

“Criminy” Trepidatiously Slipped Into Conversation

Math Section of Area Man’s Brain Desperately Clinging to Prog Rock Section For Survival

IHOP Social Media Manager Rushed To Hospital After Reckless Branding Stunt

Monday Night Football Renewed After Daring 98th Season

1980s Flashback Actually Flashback to 1980s Theme Party in 2009

Screaming Goat and Fainting Goat Somehow Make Relationship Work

Single Brazil Nut Dominates Bag of Trail Mix

Google CEO Panics After Forgetting to Renew Domain Name

Freelancer Deciding Between Kickstarter, GoFundMe Insurance Plans

Karaoke Place Has Song From Movie Where Kid Died (photo of “My Girl” in karaoke song book)

Finished Puzzle Just Lives On Table Now, Nation Guesses

Gumby Apparently Still A Thing

Real-Life “Spider-Man” Lives with Aunt

Eight Spiders Swallowed in Sleep Last Year Controlling Area Man Like Megazord

Tortoise Ginormous

Fifth-Grader Getting Pretty Good at Recursive (photo of a kid drawing a picture of a kid drawing a picture of a kid drawing a picture, etc.)

Op-Ed: “The Delights in this Garden are Positively Earthly” by the Beaked Demon in a Hieronymus Bosch Painting

Green Sauce Somehow Spicier Than Red Sauce